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Post by Miisa on Jun 11, 2013 15:48:31 GMT
I have always been slightly bemused when it comes to sexual attraction and sexuality in general. Society would have me cooing over hunks and cuties (while counter-culture have me be trendily lesbian), but in reality I have spent my life thinking also everyone else is taking part in a grand case of the emperor's new clothes, and no-one really feels like that. But I followed cultural norms anyway; once I was old enough for people to start to worry I bowed to pressure, found a man and settled down and had some children. Only over the past few years have I realized how unfair that was towards us both.
I never understood how people could be straight or gay, only bisexuality - or more precisely pansexuality - made any sense to me, as I could relate to falling in love with a person, but not so because someone had a "correct" set of genitalia. But the bis and pans were always much too overtly and almost aggressively sexual for my tastes, so despite thinking that might be where I belong, I realized they were not quite what I was either. It wasn't until my late thirties I realized I was almost at the polar opposite; asexual or very close.
The realisation that maybe others really do feel differently from me makes me very curious about sexual attraction and how it possibly causes people to feel one way about people of one gender and another about the other gender, in a basic biological way rather than completely culturally ingrained. Is it the lack of a "spark" for members of the "wrong" gender that keeps people straight or gay rather than bi, or a sense of disgust? Or something else?
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Post by whollygoats on Jun 11, 2013 16:03:51 GMT
Heh...I couldn't tell you. I just try to avoid the question entirely. I consider myself heterosexual and sort of watch those of variant sexuality around me and try not to be too judgmental about their behavior. I have no interest in determining what sexual behaviors others should engage in with consenting adults.
On my part, there is just no interest in the same gender. I used to obtain a distinct and strong sexual response to select members of the female gender, but at my age, even that has declined to general lack of interest....It has subsided, considerably, but is not extinguished. For me the attraction is focused and heterosexual.
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Post by Moose on Jun 11, 2013 16:54:44 GMT
What the Goat said, I guess. But I think that the Emperor's New Clothes thing is probably not too far of the mark ... perhaps we all feel that we SHOULD be thinking and fretting about these things far more than the average human being really does.
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Post by JoeP on Jun 11, 2013 17:07:11 GMT
Re "a sense of disgust" ... I always suspect that people who profess a sense of disgust are compensating for guilt. Certainly if they are American fundamentalist preachers.
But for many I'm sure it's a lack of interest. Still, the actual interest is not "high" for all members of the "right" gender - it's much more selective than that. So what most people really mean is "I'm sexually interested in this subset of people / this kind of person, and look, they are all (nearly all, ahem cough) of a specific gender."
For some people the subset of people is very small. Nothing wrong with that.
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Post by Moose on Jun 11, 2013 17:25:58 GMT
I've never personally felt any disgust at the idea of two women having sex and I have never met a woman who did either .. it seems to me that those who profess disgust at same sex relations are nearly always male. I don't really get it. If you don't fancy the idea, don't do it .. or even think about it.
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Post by Moose on Jun 11, 2013 17:27:16 GMT
Puts me in mind of what a Guardian journalist, can't remember his name, said once about Richard Littlejohn, the Daily Mail columnist: 'he thinks about gay sex more than I do, and I'm gay'.
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Post by Miisa on Jun 11, 2013 17:54:18 GMT
That reminds me of this picture I saw the other day:
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Post by juju on Jun 11, 2013 19:39:26 GMT
I must admit I've never been sexually attracted to a woman. I can't say why that is... but I suppose there is actually a certain amount of ew factor involved. I just can't imagine wanting to. It's really not anything I've ever been tempted to experiment with, even in my youth. But then maybe I haven't met the right woman yet.
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Post by Miisa on Jun 11, 2013 19:45:27 GMT
I sort of feel the same about, well, everyone. The thing is that I do sometimes fee a more romantic attraction, and that seems completely independent of gender or sexuality. But physically... not really much there. I suppose I feel a little like a colourblind person, asking you to describe "red".
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Post by Mari on Jun 11, 2013 19:48:56 GMT
I know what you mean. It's just not there.
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Post by raspberrybullets on Jun 11, 2013 20:35:26 GMT
I can't recall ever being sexually attracted to a woman though I will often admire them physically. But I can also do the same with men without being sexually attracted. For me I'd say there is no sexual attraction without knowing something about the person and having some connection because I can't remember ever being sexually attracted to a person just because of their physical looks and nothing else. For me a lot of it has to do with closeness as well. I need the closeness sex can bring, it's sometimes the only way to get properly connected (for me). I worry about one day not wanting sex, or not being able to have sex, for that reason.
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Post by Alvamiga on Jun 11, 2013 20:45:21 GMT
I think that it is hard-wired to some extent, too. I couldn't start to explain what makes a pair of boobs attractive, but they are!
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Post by JoeP on Jun 11, 2013 20:49:30 GMT
I think a lot more men can feel sexual *attraction* without knowing anything about the person. But - even though they might not admit it, because it isn't "hard" - many won't want actual sex, or won't enjoy it, without an emotional closeness.
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Post by Moose on Jun 11, 2013 20:51:54 GMT
Please tell me that the 'it isn't hard' thing wasn't deliberate
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Post by JoeP on Jun 11, 2013 21:03:41 GMT
It was deliberately ambiguous.
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Post by Alvamiga on Jun 11, 2013 21:31:05 GMT
Obviously your dictionary has a different definition of ambiguous to mine!
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Post by tangent on Jun 12, 2013 0:42:13 GMT
Just a little background so that you know I haven't been conditioned by any anti-gay propaganda: the culture I grew up in did not have a concept of homosexuality, there were no gay people around that I knew of, and homosexuality was unknown in my everyday life rather than never being discussed. (Homosexuality wasn't hidden under the carpet, we were just not aware of its existence.)
I remember learning, when I was 13 or 14, that two boys who were acting a Shakespeare play had to kiss each other - I forget which play. My instant reaction was 'ew', that's revolting. I was not being judgmental, it was just how I felt at the time. As time passed, I came to accept that gay people have feelings for other men. However, I myself still feel the same way as I did in my teens. I am definitely heterosexual and would never willingly kiss another man even if you paid me.
My early childhood did mould my feelings for the opposite sex, however. When I was at Primary school (aged 5 to 11), circumstances meant that I fell out of favour with the other boys in my class. As a consequence, I felt very much more comfortable in the presence of girls, even though at that age I was not attracted to them. Those feelings have continued to this day. This evening, I joined a group of five at the pub and felt uncomfortable. Later in the evening two women joined the group and I visibly relaxed.
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Post by spaceflower on Jun 12, 2013 17:13:33 GMT
As for asexuality, I've read that they are hetero-, homo- or bi also. That is they fall in love with people of the oppositve, same or both sex. But the problem is to find another partner to live asexueally with. I think there are more asexual women than men, so an asexual and heteroemotional woman might have problems. The only kind of sex I understand is demisexuality. "A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships." www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=DemisexualOf course to me, this is the only "normal" seuality so I did not need a name for it. But since this obviously is not the norm, there is a need for a name. Why would I want to engage in sex (or even kiss) with someone I don't know? I might find a person "muy sympatico" but to feel sexually attracted I must know him (yes, it is always a "him" better). But I have a feeling that many prefer not knowing their sex partner, why otherwise this craze for ons?
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Post by charliebrown on Jun 12, 2013 18:09:23 GMT
Sexuality is so much a cultural thing as well as animal instinct. Most of my Taiwanese friends have only one sexual partner, and that's their spouse. But I believe this is only true to people of my age, education and social background, there are people who are promiscuous of course, but this is something to be frown upon in our society.
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Post by Miisa on Jun 12, 2013 18:29:55 GMT
Some asexuals are also aromantic, but most do crave some sort of romantic bond with someone. There are asexual dating sites, but here are so few people on them that the chance of finding anyone with one's own level of sexuality especially near by are slim. Might be better luck to join a general asexual group and go to the meets.
Women are indeed traditionally more "allowed" to be asexual; the idea of frigid women is rather old. But then maybe asexual men are just less noticed, as there was less force making him marry if he didn't want to.
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bill
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Post by bill on Jun 13, 2013 20:14:08 GMT
When I was growing up forties/fifties there were at least two gay people in our street although not much was said and I took it as normal. One was a man who was lodging somewhere in the street and the other was a young policewoman who lived opposite. When we were younger she was my playmate. Her brother might have been gay as well but I'm not certain. Also the music teacher at the grammar school I attended was gay and was actually in court at some stage for gross indecency in a public toilet but he got off and came back to school after being suspended. At the time the word 'gay' had not been coined but none of these things were discussed much, it was just taken for granted.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2013 8:18:24 GMT
There was a time when I wanted to see myself as bisexual because it was a little against the norm and being in contact with Punks, I thought my sexuality should go against the norm. But there is a big difference between theoretically seeing yourself that way and acting that way and I never got beyond the wanting to see myself that way.
That being said, I can admire womens' looks as well as mens' and be fascinated by a beautiful or interesting face or a beautiful body, but it stops there, I have no urge to do something with the person. It's probably more to do with aesthetics than anything else.
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