bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 11:32:22 GMT
What about your family who are close by. Does that not help?
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Post by Moose on Apr 2, 2013 14:09:21 GMT
Perhaps it would be better if you talked aboutit though? And we do not mind!
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Post by charliebrown on Apr 2, 2013 14:26:52 GMT
Yes, if you feel like talking, Alan.
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Post by Moose on Apr 2, 2013 14:47:28 GMT
A lot of us - unfortunately - have experience of depression or other mental health problems and so, although it might not seem like it, we can empathise.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 14:59:56 GMT
A lot of us - unfortunately - have experience of depression or other mental health problems and so, although it might not seem like it, we can empathise. Yes I've been there a few years back. |
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 2, 2013 15:29:39 GMT
I went to see my youngest son this weekend. He has just had a baby boy. It should have been wonderful. I did explain to Phil where I am. It was hard for him but I think he understands. It's not just depression. I have given everything a lot of thought and I dread the thought of going on like this.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 15:56:36 GMT
From experience, grandchildren can be a heck of an incentive to keep going.
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 2, 2013 16:28:10 GMT
It's not working out for me like that. Meeting my grandson and knowing that the family name goes on gave me a sense of closure. A couple of weeks ago I had a day off in Nottingham city centre. I spent the day seeing old favourite places and I realised I was saying goodbye. I realise that I am in the process of winding things up and getting my affairs in some sort of order.
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Post by Moose on Apr 2, 2013 16:37:57 GMT
Alan I don't like the sound of that. Please, please try and get more help than you are getting. I am not trying to use emotional blackmail but please think about your kids, your grandkids. They love you and need you.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 17:05:40 GMT
Alan I don't like the sound of that. Please, please try and get more help than you are getting. I am not trying to use emotional blackmail but please think about your kids, your grandkids. They love you and need you. Absolutely!!!!!!! |
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 2, 2013 17:17:05 GMT
I see my doctor regularly and I'm on 40mg of fluoxetine a day. Bridget, my doc, wants me to undertake counselling again but I said no. It will just throw the magnitude of my loss into sharp relief and make things worse. I still do a regular shift at childline and I have talked to the people there. One of the things we all have to live with is that for some of us nothing can turn us aside from the decision to depart. As I said to Bridget, you can give me chemical euphoria but you can't give me back my happiness.
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Post by Moose on Apr 2, 2013 17:21:04 GMT
I agree that counseling is not for everyone. Neither is a 'chemical cosh' and I have long been unsure about the idea of anti depressants for people whose depression is situational and not chemical. I do not agree, however, that it is not possible for someone who is severely depressed (situational or chemical) to ever be happy again. I am aware of how impossible it seems to the sufferer tho.
Please Alan, don't do whatever it is that you're obviously thinking of. I can't stop you, of course, but please think of all the people in the world who love you and who would be devastated. At the risk of sounding as tho I am using even more emotional blackmail (and i don't mean to), I have just lost my dad and it hurts very badly. My seven year old niece still cries whenever she walks past her granddad's bedroom. It will hurt your children and grandchildren too.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 17:29:56 GMT
I agree, counselling, for me was ALMOST a waste of time and anti depressants hardly helped BUT the most help I had as from people who had trodden the same road. ALSO at the time, we had a dog, a beautiful border collie, who needed long walks, and Rosie was my saviour. It is amazing how many of my problems I worked out walking that dog when I would otherwise have been curled up on the settee. I don't know whether any of this makes any sense but please Alan don't give up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2013 17:33:41 GMT
So sorry to hear that, Alan!
We spent Easter in thr north of Hesse with all my family and my sister's fiancé, my other sister's boyfriend and Frank. He got ill the day we got there and had to spend the first two days in bed.
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 2, 2013 17:39:38 GMT
To put your mind at rest. I have given my word not to exit while my mother is still alive ( she was 90 in early March ). I know how awful it is to bury your child. Also I have to work out what to do with 2 ancient geriatric cats. They would not accept a new house. Added to that I feel obliged to see out my year as worshipful master of my London lodge, which ends in January. But the kids are all doing superbly and have families of their own. I have no worries for them and I know my boys in particular will understand. I have no more mountains to climb, I have done all I want to do and I dread the long years of futility. For me it is a positive choice not a negative one.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 17:43:05 GMT
Alan, you have really been worrying everybody. PMs have been flying about. Please don't do that to us again and if you need to talk we are here for you.
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Post by Moose on Apr 2, 2013 17:43:49 GMT
I would take the cats if you died naturally in your bed tomorrow, even tho you say they'd not accept a new home.. they prolly would eventually. But I am not going to say I will take them if it makes you more inclined to kill yourself! But in case of any sort of emergency I'd be happy to take them and love them... you can never have too many cats, and all that.
The thing is .. kids can be doing superbly and still be utterly devastated by the loss of a parent. My siblings are doing very well .. my sister was actually on a work trip in Burma when she learned my dad had died. She burst into tears in the middle of a hotel lobby full of total strangers. No matter how well children are doing, they still become eight years old again if and when they hear their parent has died. Have you spoken to your children about this?
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Post by charliebrown on Apr 2, 2013 17:50:24 GMT
I agree with Jo. Please keep talking to us here Alan.
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 2, 2013 17:53:00 GMT
I spoke to Phil, my youngest boy, about it on Sunday. I've talked to Al, my eldest, as well. They understand as much as anyone can. I'm going over to Norwich to talk to my girls in three weeks time. It's a fact, we will all die, I'm just making a positive choice about where and when. I do know I don't want to go on, and in truth I can't go on, for much longer.
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bill
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Post by bill on Apr 2, 2013 17:54:26 GMT
[quote author=charliebrown board=general thread=296 post=  10860 time=1364925024]I agree with Jo. Please keep talking to us here Alan.[/quote]Yes keep talking.:-) |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2013 18:00:01 GMT
Sorry I posted in the middle of this, I didn't see that page 3 wasn't the last page.
Alan, I'm worried as well. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Post by tangent on Apr 2, 2013 18:57:59 GMT
I know what sheer depression is. Fortunately it was a very long time ago. Nothing helps, the joy of grandchildren, holidays, family visits, cats, it is all futile. But with treatment, it never lasts. My hope is that you will find the right treatment, Alan. Staying inside all day, mulling over how dreadful life is is going to make it worse. Somehow, you have got to find a way to get out of the house, even if it is to walk to the newsagents to buy a paper. Gradually, with some sort of structure in your life, and regular activity every day, it will get better. It might take three months but it will get better. Far better to conquer this depression than let it conquer you. You want your grandchildren to remember you for the good things in your life and this is one thing you can give them.
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Post by Moose on Apr 3, 2013 19:35:45 GMT
Yes definitely. I am sure that they love you very much you know.
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 3, 2013 21:06:58 GMT
Well yes I am gifted with more love than anyone has a right to claim. The problem is, it's not enough. That sounds utterly ungrateful and maybe it is, but its the way things are.
Nor will I be subjected to moral blackmail by anyone. Just because my demise will make someone feel bad does not mean that I am obliged to live with this overbearing misery from now until I die of natural causes.
Don't worry guys. I will do nothing until my mother goes before me, after that, well it is my right to choose.
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Post by Moose on Apr 3, 2013 21:24:52 GMT
Wasn't trying to morally blackmail you  Tho I know it might have come over that way and I was trying to be careful that it didn't. I will hope that your mum lives a long time tho .. and hope too that you will start to feel better one day. I know that sounds twee. I used to hate it when people said things like that to me so maybe I'd be better off keeping my mouth shut |
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Post by jayme on Apr 3, 2013 21:31:32 GMT
I am sorry to hear you feel so bad, Alan.  But, still, I want to send your mother some nice longevity vitamins. |
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Post by ProdigalAlan on Apr 3, 2013 21:43:56 GMT
Nah, don't keep your mouth shut. Just,please, give me the freedom to say it like it is for me.
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Post by Moose on Apr 3, 2013 21:46:46 GMT
agreed..
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Post by tangent on Apr 3, 2013 23:27:29 GMT
Nah, don't keep your mouth shut. Just,please, give me the freedom to say it like it is for me. Yes, that's right, you need to say these things and we must let you. I rather like Jayme's longevity pills  But in all sincerity I doubt you will feel like this for ever. It would be ironic if in a year's time you were to look across from an alternative universe where you didn't die and you were all happy and relaxed. And who's to say that won't happen in this universe? |
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Post by Mari on Apr 4, 2013 19:46:04 GMT
Actually, I'd rather you tell us then be in a dark spot all on your own. You're a regular here and I think a friend. I do realise that when you're not around you're not in a happy place. If you want to share, please do. I can't say or do anything to make it or you feel better, but I can provide a listening ear/eye.
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Tho I know it might have come over that way and I was trying to be careful that it didn't. I will hope that your mum lives a long time tho .. and hope too that you will start to feel better one day.
But, still, I want to send your mother some nice longevity vitamins.
